Food and other things to cry about.

Tonight I'm posting for those who've adopted and can relate and for those considering adoption especially. I just want you to see that even though this is WONDERFUL and we are SO BLESSED to have Zeph in our family - it's not easy. And forgive the long post! It's getting easier and harder at the same time. Zeph is adjusting - but not always smoothly. Some things are harder than others. Some things are still just setting in. It hasn't even been 2 weeks since we landed back home. Some behaviors are going away - some are just now surfacing. Today required a bit more patience for me as a mommy.

In the last few days Zeph has become much more panicky about food, as if he's starving. He screams for more while his mouth is full, even while there is plenty of food on his tray. He begs for more the moment one meal is over. Every morning there is yelling and throwing himself back and crying because one banana is not enough. Two bananas would not be enough, nor 3 nor 4. He doesn't want it to end. I think it's a comfort for him or maybe he's just thrown so terribly off because there isn't a staff (like at the orphanage) to serve up meals right on "time" at the exact same time every day - plus I'm sure the food is a bit different here (maybe banana is familiar so he wants more, more, more - of familiarity). It hurts my heart to tell him no - but I can't let him shovel food in his mouth every waking moment. He is desperate, tries to get into the cupboards, climb shelves (thankfully our shelves are anchored) and I can't leave one crumb on the floor or he goes "hunting" for it under the table. I offer snacks frequently but I can only give so many crackers or pieces of fruit before it, well, affects his tummy. It's not about being "full" for him. I think it's emotional eating of some kind. As if he'll never see food again so he better eat all he can while he can.

He's in "survival" mode, which is putting his mama in "survival" mode at the moment. If Zeph is not screaming or whining about food then he is screaming or crying about something else. He is so frustrated because there is so much to learn right now and he's probably feeling so lost. Lost in the "rules". Three toddlers and a 5 year old - sharing is not mastered or even familiar to most of them. Constant taking and giving back of toys, sippy cups and bottles. Trying to occupy Zeph and engage him is not so easy but it pays off. I took all 4 kids out just on our street (sidewalk) for a walk. I pushed the two little ones in the double stroller, Nathanael rode his trike and Arielle pushed her baby in the toy stroller. It was warm and sunny and we all needed the fresh air and sunshine. Zeph was calm and happy. No sight of food (here he knows food is in the kitchen and he HATES watching it be prepared or cooking - he PANICS. In the orphanage it was prepared in the kitchen - he didn't see it until it was SERVED). After dinner Zeph got a bath - the first bath that he actually SAT in the water, laughed and played with toys! Putting him down for bed was a bit tougher tonight. He was gleeful about getting his bottle - 2 oz of mama milk (breast-milk) but when I held him and gave it to him he threw himself back and screamed in a fit. I had no clue why. I put him down for a second, which made him more upset. I picked him back up and he took it. Go figure. Usually when he's done with the small amount of milk I'm able to provide him with we give him a bottle with water or cow's milk - tonight he was outraged when I gave him the new bottle. I had already put him in the crib and he was trying to bang the bottle against the crib and throwing it. Eventually he took it but not before showing his disgust.

I'm thankful for a midnight breather. A moment of peace and quiet. A moment to remember that this little boy is going through more than I can imagine. A moment to ask God to give me wisdom, strength and endurance... and grace for my short-comings. At mid-night I'm exhausted but finding peace and rest in this pre-bedtime moment of re-charging. Tomorrow I get up early and start over. More crying, whining, screaming, frustration, head-banging, biting, pushing, taking. More messes, cooking, cleaning, diapers, medicines. If I thought of it only in that way it wouldn't work. If I forget about the hugs, kisses, laughter, smiles, new discoveries, fun activities, new memories, relationships building, skills mastered, new words spoken (and signed), trust built, routine setting, character building, sun-shining, and all the positive happenings of each day - then I wouldn't be doing this - staying at home with four crazy little kids all day every day. And my joy cannot depend on THEM. I MUST get my joy and strength from GOD. They are helpless children. I'm a grown-up. I have to love them even when they don't love back. Even when they scream in my face (and Zeph, in particular, has learned how to make his voice heard - loudly). I have to have FAITH that seeds sewn each day will one day reap a beautiful harvest of plenty. I have to believe that they are - each one - WORTH investing in. Raising three little ones can wear on you. Adding another child with physical special needs and (of course coming from orphanage life) major delays and emotional issues and transitioning into family life = draining - very draining. Is it worth it? YES. Do I want to start all over and do it again right now? Um - no. (Ask a woman who just gave birth if she wants to start labor and birth all over just then - NO! Give her some time - then she "forgets" the pain for the joy ahead) Am I glad we did this? - YES. Do we still need prayer? Yes, please!